How To… make a copy

April 10, 2008

We’ve all been there before.  You need a copy of something and you need it YESTERDAY, which is technically impossible but not out of the reach of modern science.  Of course I refer here to the classic and award winning “Back to the Future” series, featuring Michael J. Fox and, more importantly, a DeLorean which made time travel look about as tough as navigating a Hardee’s drive through.  But that’s not what we’re talking about here, neither Hardees or a DeLorean.  We’re talking instead about getting a copy of something, perhaps a TPS report or a secret budget report that the boss dropped on his way to the can.  As for why he’s taking it in there is beyond all of us.  Either way, he’s a quick sit so you’d better get that copy done.  And here’s how to do it:


  1. Find a copy machine.  This is usually the large boxy item that everyone uses to make copies.  If people are using a machine to make toast, you are probably in the wrong room or (worse) a Tim Horton’s.  
  2. Figure out what it is you want to make a copy of.  Make sure it is flat. 
  3. Open the “hood” of the copy machine.  It is very similar to opening the hood to your ’88 Escort, though there are no wires to jiggle here to “fix” it while your date sulks in the passenger seat.
  4. Put the thing you want to copy on the glass.  Close the hood and push the “copy” button.  This button is often worn down from years of use.  Make sure it doesn’t say “Collate” or “Self-Destruct”
  5. After pressing this button, the copy will appear on either the right or left side of the machine.  If something else comes out that looks like a medical release or an order for burritos, you are likely standing at the fax machine.  Go back to the copy room. 
  6. Retrieve your copy.  Now run. Run as fast as you can without looking back.  The Xerox Gnomes will emerge from the paper trays and demand payment from you, which is an impossible task since their currency is mostly comprised of twigs and magic beans.  Run quickly.  They are a vengeful people. 
  7. Congratulations!  You now have a copy of what you wanted.  The next step will be getting the original, which you left on the glass while running from those horrible gnomes. 
Next week… how to defeat xerox gnomes.